The Bill of Rights
(aka, "the first 10 ammendments" or, the ones that were written before black people were 'people'
1) Freedom Of Religion, Speech, Press, Assembly And Protest
You have the right to believe your own truths. You have the right to try and convince others of these truths. You have the right to try and enact legal change based on these truths. Other Americans have these rights to, so please, at least try and make up your own propaganda.
2) The Right To Bear Arms
You have the right to own the technology that kills things. You have power. This power should be centered around a "well-regulated militia". The exercise of power is really best confined to the political arena. Satisfying though it may be, please, please don't shoot things. Not even that yappy dog, not even your lover, not even your tv. Okay, no, you can shoot your tv. Just not when Anderson Cooper's on. He's dreamy. Even though he'd never eat my pussy.
3) Freedom From Supporting The Military
You don't have to house the state's armed forces if they happen to be passing through, needing a spot to sleep and a quick bite to eat. In fact, despite what Britney Spears says, you don't have to support the military, or its Commander in Chief, the president, at all.
4) Freedom From Unlawful Search and Seizure
You should never have to undergo an encroachment on your privacy as an free citizen. Should the government decide your individual freedom is a threat to the state, well, hide your pot. Note: not all Americans are citizens.
5) Right To A Trial By Jury (with one big asterisk)
The government does not have the right to imprison people without the consent of the people it is ostensibly set up to represent. Thus the government can only enact force as a representation of the people's will. ASTERISK: Unless wartime circumstances have necesitated a more direct exercise of authoritarianism. Even if its a war on a commodity, or better yet, an intangible ideology!
6) Right To Due Criminal Process
See Ammendment 5, forget the asterisk, add in a bit of timeliness and the expectation of well-administered governmental agencies. Note: Don't hold this expectation too high.
7) Right To Common Law Jury
Hmm,
In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.
Okay, I don't even know what that means. Or what $20 circa 1787 is worth now. But I think it has something to do with the right to sue people and do it with a jury.
8) Freedom From Governmental Cruelty
Seriously, no excessive bails, fines, and explicitly called out are those harbingers of mental and physical pain and suffering: cruel and unusual punishment. That's right, America is anti-torture. Fortunately waterboarding (aka, simulated drowning) and sexual humiliation have been deemed by American military leaders as not torture. Yep, not torture.
9) The Right To More Rights
Now, this one's actually really cool. The founding fathers, somehow, realized the incomprehensive nature of any document -- that something is writ presupposes that 10 billion things, most equally legitimate, were not. And thus, just because it's not in the constitution doesn't mean you don't have the right to do it. Embrace all of your non-explicit rights; like your right to have sex, and your right to not have and/or have babies, but mostly your right, as a thinking individual (emphasis on thinking individual), to decide your own rights.
10) States Rights
Whatever powers are not decreed to the national government are automatically conferred to the state. Yep, organization on a local level provides a more direct connection to constituencies, tends to encourage a more engaged electorate, and can be more finely tailored to a specific community. Cool stuff.
Now go forth, constitute!
